SPRINGFIELD X-POSED by Maggie Brown Open on a long shot of a lighthouse beside a lake. In small white letters in the lower right-hand corner of the screen, superimpose the setting title: Springfield, USA. As the camera moves closer, we see, gazing up at the lighthouse in bewilderment, a petite redhead in a dark raincoat and a tall man of about 35, with a lumpy nose and a pouty lip. He says, "First weird thing -- why a lighthouse? Where's the ocean?" "It's not unheard of," she says. "In 1953, the Monongahela Lighthouse Appreciation Society moved an abandoned lighthouse 2,879 miles from--" "Whatever. Still gives me the collywobbles." "And it's just the tip of the iceberg," says young Bill Lewis, striding toward them along the beach. "Hey, you guys! Thank God...I mean, thank the Lord you're here. You look exactly like I thought you would in real life, only thinner. I don't wanna gush or anything, but I'm a major fan. I got all five seasons on tape, I'm on a internet mailing list, I belong to the Dana Scully Testosterone Brigade, I--" "The what?" says Scully. "One of the Lone Gunmen's little sidelines. Forget about it." Fox Mulder gives Bill the once-over. "I didn't realize...When you called us...I didn't realize you were just a kid." Bill bristles. "Eve was a kid." "Eve was a CLONE. Don't go there." "And what's-his-face, Darren Peter Oswald, that kept getting hit by lightning, he was a kid, and--" "Why don't you just tell us what's the problem here?" says Scully. "As long as it doesn't have anything to do with vampires," Mulder says. "Yeah." Bill chuckles. "You guys don't have much luck with vampires. No, I got a REAL problem. But it would be quicker if I showed you." As they hurry away, Reva comes out from behind the lighthouse. She's wearing a white sundress, and she watches until they're out of sight. Then a single tear trickles down her beautiful face. Mulder, Scully, and Bill are huddled around a table at Company. Bill lays down a snapshot. "That was this place?" Scully asks. "Early Roadhouse," Mulder says. "That was Company before Bridget redecorated." Bill puts down another photograph. "Good gravy!" "Yeah. I know. It was pretty sucky. And when she had the grand opening, a chandelier fell on us. But here's the Mondo Bizarro part. One day it looked like this." He taps the second photo. "And the next day it looked like this." He sweeps an arm out wide.. "You're kidding." Scully scans the room. "But they moved the front door." "You're telling me? I keep wanting to walk into the wall on my way out. And you notice how bright it is in here?" Mulder puts on a pair of sunglasses. "Not what we're used to." "It's like this all over town now. Gives me killer headaches." Scully picks up the first snapshot. "Who's the other boy in this photo?" "My best friend Ben. He left for tennis camp MONTHS ago and hasn't been seen since. Nobody so much as mentions his name. Plus, you see the girl? That's Michelle. We grew up together. Then she went off to boarding school and came back a bimbo. I mean, she was a completely different person." "I find that hard to believe." "A completely different person. And nobody noticed but me. It was around then that they stopped inviting me to family parties." "Jeremiah Smith," says Mulder. "He could morph into--" "That's just what I thought! And that's not the half of it." Bill hops up. "We better get a move on. I don't know how long they'll let me keep talking to you like this." As he hustles them out the door, Reva, who is wearing a striped apron, enters from the kitchen and begins to wipe down the bar. In the garden of the Chamberlain-Reardon house, Mulder and Scully are standing beside Bill as the three of them peer through a window into the living room, where Vanessa is nursing a child. "Who's that feeding the toddler?" Mulder asks. "That's my mom. And Maureen is no toddler. She was just born in February, and she had kidney disease, only first my mom prayed over her--" Scully fingers the cross around her neck. "--and then our friend Holly donated part of a kidney to her." "PART of a kidney? You don't just donate part of a kidney. It doesn't work that way. Your sister should be dead, not looking like she's ready to play peewee soccer." "I don't know, Scully." Mulder rakes a hand through his hair. "Take Hope, for instance. She was born after Gabby was pregnant for just a couple of days, and she was a preteen a few months later, and then she died, and the next week she was a grown woman." Bill frowns. "Uh, was that an X-File? I thought I saw that on _Xena_." Scully gapes at Mulder. "You watch _Xena: Warrior Princess_?" Mulder kicks the dirt, sheepishly. "Yeah, well, I like the unresolved sexual tension between her and Gabrielle." Scully gives Mulder a long, smoldering look, and he inches a step closer to her, singing "Joy to the World" under his breath. "Uh, guys...Guys!" Bill tugs at Scully's sleeve. "Thing is, sometimes I catch Maureen staring at me the way baby Hope stared at that knight just before he was found strangled." "Weird, wild stuff," says Mulder, and Scully rolls her eyes. "To tell the truth, Mom hasn't been the same since she got back from Switzerland. She had a fatal disease, see, but this guy Michael cured her, and now he's set up a lab in Springfield. He's supposed to be developing a new perfume, but I'm starting to hear some rumors that creep me out, about what really goes on there." Mulder brightens. "A secret laboratory. Strange experiments. Sounds like our friend the exterminator, Scully -- the one who impregnated the unsuspecting housewives of...wherever...with the sperm of farm animals." Scully purses her lips. "There was a scientific explanation for--" "Not now, Scully. This I gotta see for myself." As he leads them off toward their car, we see Reva enter the living room. She has a cloth diaper draped over her shoulder. She takes baby Maureen from Vanessa, who gives her a glassy smile and says, "Thank you, Nanny." The laboratory is pitch-dark when Mulder and Scully enter, shining powerful flashlights around the room. Coming in behind them, Bill whispers, "This is so totally kewl. I can't wait to tell my friends about it. Well, of course, I don't have any real friends left, just cyberfriends. And I see less of my dad now than I did when he was in prison. And my mom says I can't live with her and Matt 'cause they don't have enough bedrooms. Actually, I can't remember ever seeing ANY bedrooms at the new house, which, I forgot to tell you, was built on an island, but now it's on the edge of town for some reason, and--" Mulder shushes him. "Did you hear that?" he asks Scully. "It came from over there." The three of them tiptoe toward a door in the rear of the lab. Mulder opens it a crack. We see a much smaller laboratory where Reva, who is wearing Amish-style clothing, is mixing up a batch of medicinal herbs. Mulder shuts the door quietly. "I get the oddest feeling I've seen that woman somewhere before." "You and me both," says Bill. "She's supposed to be my Aunt Reva, but ever since she came back from the dead again, Reva is everywhere. That's what I've been trying to tell you. She--" He is interrupted by the muffled strains of honky-tonk music, coming from behind a door on the opposite side of the room. The beams of their two flashlights crisscross as, trailed by Bill, Mulder and Scully creep over to the second door and peek in. In a low-cut red dress, Reva stands on top of a desk and shakes her considerable booty. "What the--" Mulder drops his flashlight. Red-Dress Reva freezes. In the rear of the room, Amish Reva throws open the other door. "Holy heck! Quick, Scully, the ice pick!" "I thought you had it." "I thought YOU had it." "Run for your lives!" Bill links arms with Mulder and Scully. Together they bull their way past Red-Dress Reva and flee the building, with both Revas hot on their heels. We see a dark, eerie, misty woods. We hear labored breathing and rapid footsteps crunching dry leaves. Mulder, Scully, and Bill come racing along the path, pursued by a battalion of Revas that includes Red-Dress Reva, Amish Reva, Barmaid Reva, and Nanny Reva, with White-Dress Reva bringing up the rear. Mulder says, panting, "What's that they're shouting? I can't make it out." Bill shudders. "'Always, Bud, always,'" he says. "Oh my God!" says Scully. Our terrified heroes put on some speed, but the rampaging Revas are gaining on them... Suddenly a bloodcurdling shriek rends the foggy air. "YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!" Astride her trusty horse, Argo, Xena, Warrior Princess gallops out of the darkness in full battle cry. Plucking the chakram from her waistband, she hurls it into the night. It caroms off a tree and decapitates the nearest Reva. Snarling, the next two Revas charge Xena. Her sword sings as it slices and dices them. Undeterred, three onrushing Revas surround Xena and drag her from her horse. Xena seizes two of them by the hair and slams their heads against the head of the third Reva with a satisfying THUNK! All three Revas hit the dirt like poleaxed steers. Xena whips around to face a thundering herd of four outraged Revas. With a cruel grin, the Destroyer of Nations turns her back on them and sprints away, gathering steam for a mighty leap that carries her into a backflip. After arching high above the tallest trees, she lands smack in the midst of the four Revas, taking out two with elbow chops, the third with a karate kick, and the fourth with a head butt. The trail is strewn with battered and bloody Revas, but still they try to stampede the Warrior Princess. Red-Dress Reva leads the pack. Xena wraps her in a bear hug, then hoists her overhead as if she were a dumb bell. Whirling like a dervish, Xena uses Reva's stiletto heels to stab an encircling bevy of five Revas. Finally, with a flourish, Xena tosses Red Reva into an oncoming crowd of six Revas and bowls them over like tenpins. Whereupon she pogoes happily among them and pounds them into the ground. Now there are just four stragglers left standing. Hoping to ambush Xena, Nanny Reva comes skulking toward her from the left, Barmaid Reva moves in stealthily from the right, and Amish Reva creates a diversion by jumping on Xena's back. "Xena, look out!" White-Dress Reva shouts as she snatches up a stout branch from the side of the trail and whacks the tar out of the two sneaky Revas. Xena, meanwhile, flips Amish Reva over her head and slings her into the treetops. Then the forest, now littered with defunct Revas, is silent once again. Timidly, Bill approaches the last remaining Reva. "Aunt Reva, is it really you?" "It is, sweetpea." She hugs him tight, and her eyes well up with tears. "Yes, it's really me." Hoofbeats come pounding down the trail. Mounted again on Argo, Xena trots over to Real Reva, scoops her up so that they're sitting face-to-face on horseback, and kisses her hard. "What the f--" Bill catches himself. "I mean, what the hey?!?" Scully attempts to steer him away, but he's rooted to the spot. "That's subtext, Bill. You're not supposed to see that." "Subtext? What's subtext, Scully?" When she doesn't answer, Bill appeals to Mulder, who is so entranced he hasn't heard the question. "What's subtext, Mulder?" Xena releases her lip-lock on Real Reva and gives Bill a bawdy wink. "It means I never could resist a little lady with a big stick." She flicks the reins, but Bill clutches at them. "Xena, wait! I don't wanna be a pest, but we've also got a terrible Rauch infestation in Springfield." "Roaches!" Mulder perks up. "Scully and me, we're death on roaches." "You know him as Rauch, but I call him Dahok." As easily as if he were a rag doll, Xena pulls Bill onto Argo's back and seats him behind her and Reva. "He shall taste the sword of Xena. YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!" As they gallop away, Mulder turns to Scully. "Roaches, huh? Maybe I'll give my friend Bambi a buzz." Scully jabs him in the ribs with her elbow and walks away. "Hey, Scully, wait up. I was only joking." He scrambles after her. "What say we go back to my motel room? I've got Magic Fingers." She glances back over her shoulder. "As if!" says Scully. Mulder sighs. "Some days I just HATE subtext," he says.