>Springfield Family Values >Written by Pam Purdy (GPurdy3507@aol.com) > >FADE IN: > >1. INT. LEWIS OIL - DAY > >VANESSA, ROSS, and QUINT are gathered around her desk in the president's office. She's wearing a stylish power suit. Ross also wears a business suit, but it looks like he slept in it. His shirt is wrinkled, too. There's a cut on his chin where he nicked himself shaving. Quint is in full archaeologist's drag, complete with hat, and his hands are grubby, as if he came straight from the dig. > >VAN (slapping her desk with a thick sheaf of legal papers): That son of a bitch! >ROSS: I am a tad surprised, considering the circumstances, that Matt would insist on a division of assets as a condition of the divorce. >QUINT: Well, Vanessa, he still doesn't realize you saw him in bed with Dinah. >VAN: Once a whore, always a whore. > >She sends the papers sailing across the room. ROSS and QUINT exchange glances. > >VAN: What? What aren't you saying? >ROSS: It just ... We've all been there. Your friend breaks up with his husband. She calls him a bum. You call him a bum. >QUINT: Then they get back together and-- >VAN: That's not going to happen. >ROSS: Never say never. >VAN: Never. Never ever! >QUINT (resting one hip on the edge of her desk): You know, I missed the beginning of this movie, but, since you brought up the gigolo business, is there a possibility he's been after the Chamberlain fortune all along? >VAN (seizing a letter opener): Here! Cut my throat. Get it over with. Plunge it in. >QUINT (unruffled): And it's not just the family money. What about your shares in Lewis Oil? >VAN: I absolutely refuse to believe it. Matt loved me. >QUINT: Oh yeah? (He scoops up the sheaf of papers and shakes them at her.) >VAN: He did love me. He still doesn't have a clue why I gave him the heave-ho. >ROSS: Hang on a minute. Whether he did or whether he didn't, if we could convince the court he married you for your money, we might be able to have your marriage declared fraudulent. Then you could get an annulment, and he'd be out on his-- > >The door bursts open, and PETEY comes flying in, followed closely by WANDA. She tries to put the snatch on him, but he eludes her. He spins wildly around the room with his arms up in the air. > >PETEY (screaming): Power Rangers! I'm morphing! I'm morphing! >WANDA: I'm real sorry, Mrs. Reardon, I couldn't-- >VAN: Please call me Ms. Chamberlain, Wanda. >WANDA: To tell the truth, I'm thrilled to pieces just to be able to call you anything. For a while there, seemed like I was running this place all by myself. >PETEY: (attacks invisible enemies with karate kicks). >VAN: Is Josh in his office? >WANDA: He called to say he'd be late, but he is coming, and he says he's sending you a surprise. >VAN (sarcastically): I don't like surprises as much as I used to. Wanda, I want you to have somebody clear out the corner office so Mr. Marler can move in. I've managed to persuade him to head up our legal department. > >She gives ROSS a smile that's charged with hidden meanings. WANDA and QUINT both pick up on it, and she raises an eyebrow at him. Meanwhile PETEY has started spinning again, and he collides with BILL at the door. BILL scoops him up and holds him under one arm. > >BILL: Whoa there, little brother. No morphing on company time. Should I bring the mail in, Mom? >VAN: No, I'll deal with that later. Is our summer intern learning the ropes, Wanda? >WANDA: I don't know what I'd do without him. I keep telling him that someday he'll be president of Lewis Oil, and I'll be his assistant. >PETEY (wriggling out of BILL's grasp): I'll be president. I'll be Emperor of the World! > >He's spinning again. BILL and WANDA step quickly out of his way, and he spins out the door. WE HEAR a crash. > >DINAH (off): Damn it, Peter! You stomped on my brand-new shoes. > >VAN moves closer to ROSS. QUINT steps in front of them as if to shield her. WANDA watches this curiously, but BILL has turned toward the door as DINAH enters, wearing a Chanel suit. > >DINAH: Mother. Daddy. Thank goodness. I've been looking everywhere for you. Hi, Uncle Quint. >QUINT: (nods). >BILL: Hi, Dinah. Gosh, I haven't seen you since-- >DINAH: You won't believe what Roger's done now. He and that awful, greasy, sleazy Leo revoked my power of attorney, and they've had him declared sane again, even though he's still got his greedy paws on all my money. Probably bribed a judge. Daddy, you've just got to, *got to* get my money back. My bills keep piling up, and I've maxed out all my credit cards, and I tried to borrow from petty cash at WSPR, but some idiot said I couldn't do that, so I told him I'd fire his butt, and ... What's the matter? Why are you all looking at me like that? Do I have lipstick on my teeth? >ROSS (coldly): We're in the middle of an important meeting, Dinah. >DINAH: More important than me getting rid of Roger? More important than me getting my money back? Get real! What are you, plotting to take over DisneyWorld for Peter or something? >QUINT: No, Dinah, it's just that we-- >VAN (stepping out from behind her desk and approaching DINAH): It's just that we've all decided to take you at your word. (Sweetly): You asked us to stay out of your affairs. You asked us to trust you to handle them on your own. That is precisely what we're doing. >DINAH: What? No. That was then, this is now. Don't you understand? I need you. I don't have anybody else. >VAN: Really? Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but-- >PETEY (off): Hi, Mommy! Hi, Mommy! Wanna see me jump off the desk? >BRIDGET (off): Not right now, squirt. >DINAH: Oh goody! The other half of "My Two Mommies." > >BRIDGET and PETEY enter the office. She's wearing a sleeveless summer dress over a T-shirt. He's riding on her back. > >BRIDGET: Hi, Vanessa! Sorry I'm late. Oh look, it's the Wicked Witch of the West. (To Dinah): Be careful, or I'll turn my hose on you. >PETEY (sliding off BRIDGET's back and folding himself up in a heap on the floor): I'm melting! I'm melting! >DINAH: Hello to you too, Bridget. I see you've been shopping at Wal-Mart again. How many Guatemalan orphans must die to keep you in tacky dresses? >BRIDGET (in a Three Stooges voice, pulling back her fist): Why you ... Why I oughta ... >PETEY (imitating her): Why you ... Why I oughta ... (Slugs DINAH in the side.) > >EVERYBODY laughs except BRIDGET, who squelches them with a look, and DINAH, who makes a grab for PETEY. > >DINAH: You little brat! >BRIDGET (taking PETEY by the shoulders and swinging him out of DINAH's reach): We don't hit. Do you understand me, Peter? We don't hit in this family. Do you want to go play with the other kids? >PETEY: (unchastened, nods). >BRIDGET: Then you better remember to keep your hands to yourself. Sorry, Dinah. Sorry, everybody. Gotta dash. We're way late. >PETEY: Race you to the elevator! > >He takes off, with BRIDGET hurrying out after him. QUINT, NOLA, and ROSS turn back to the desk. WANDA links her arm with BILL's and steers him toward the outer office. > >WANDA: It's time you learned how to use mail merge to send letters. >BILL (comically): Oh no! > >DINAH is left standing alone in the middle of the room. She looks from the desk to the outer office and back again. > >DINAH (tearing up): Doesn't anybody care about me? > >2. INT. BUZZ & REVA'S HOUSE - DAY > >REVA is using the living room mirror to apply her lipstick. She wears a red camp shirt with khaki shorts--clothes you can get messed up in. WE HEAR the doorbell ring. REVA's hand jerks. > >REVA (wiping away a smear of lipstick): Oh darn! > >She goes to answer the door. JOSH, wearing a business suit, is standing on the doorstep with MARAH, in a playsuit, and SHAYNE, in shorts and a T-shirt. > >REVA: Well hi there! I've been waiting for you. >MARAH: Hi, Mama. >REVA: Hi, sweet pea! Hey, Shayne. How you doin'? >SHAYNE: Do you guys have Nintendo? >REVA: Sorry. >SHAYNE: Rats! > >He pushes past her and wanders around the living room looking for anything that might be of interest to a little boy. > >JOSH: Shayne! Manners! >MARAH: It's okay, Daddy. I'll watch him. > >She gives REVA a tentative kiss and follows SHAYNE inside, leaving JOSH and REVA to stand awkwardly on the doorstep. > >JOSH: Well ... >REVA: I really appreciate this, Bud. (Calling back over her shoulder): Don't get too comfortable, you two. We're late already. (To Josh): I'll have them back in time for supper. >JOSH: Listen, Reva, I-- >REVA (speaking on top of him): We're going to-- >JOSH (laughs): You go. >REVA (smiles): No, you go. >JOSH: I was about to say, I brought you a surprise. Brace yourself now. > >He makes a beckoning gesture, and H.B. steps into the frame. REVA flings her arms around him. > >REVA: H.B., you old scalawag! >H.B.: Hi, darlin'. (Hugs her hard.) I've been wantin' to do this for a mighty long time. >REVA: I knew you'd turn up sooner or later, just like the proverbial bad penny. >H.B. Look who's talking! You didn't think I'd miss your anniversary, did you? >REVA: (pulls back a little and looks at JOSH, who doesn't get it, either). >H.B.: It was six years ago this month that you went off that bridge in Florida. I don't mind telling you, you gave us a real bad time. Why, you should have seen my boy. He was just-- >JOSH (uncomfortable): Reva doesn't want to rehash all that stuff, Daddy. >REVA: You know what they say, H.B. >H.B.: Indeed I do. You can't keep a good gal down. > >He swats her on the bottom. She catches hold of his hand, kisses it, and leads him into the living room, where MARAH and SHAYNE are seated on the couch. JOSH follows. > >JOSH: Or a good man, for that matter. Daddy's coming out of retirement. Reva. He's coming back to Lewis Oil. >H.B.: Yup. I was getting mighty bored doing nothing. I was getting to be the Chairman of the Bored. I was driving Trish crazy. (Rumples SHAYNE's hair.) >SHAYNE (shaking him off): Oh, Granddaddy! Hey, you got any quarters? >H.B.: I got about eighty million of them, son. >MARAH (nudges him): It's rude to ask for money, Shayne. >SHAYNE: It's rude to say it's rude to ask for money, Marah. (Jabs his elbow into her ribs.) >JOSH: Cut it out now. Your granddaddy just got back. I don't want him thinking I'm raising a couple of little barbarians here. (Looks at his watch.) Whoops! I'm sorry, but I'm running late for ... for a meeting. You take the car, Daddy. You feel all right about driving to the office on your own? >H.B. (to REVA): Why is it, the older you get, the more your children start to treat you like a big baby? >REVA: Or like a big buttinsky. I went to visit Dylan in Duluth last weekend. >H.B.: How's my grandson doing? >REVA: Independent and stubborn as hell. Won't take help from anybody. >H.B.: It's those Lewis genes, darlin'. It's the Billy in him. I saw my boy up at that place where they got him, couple of weeks ago. Tried to get him to let me hire him a new lawyer. Wouldn't have no part of it. >REVA: Dylan's got his own apartment now, but he's still connected with the school for the blind. He's a counselor there. >JOSH (checking his watch): I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry I can't stick around, Reva, but I'll see you later. You kids behave yourselves now. Be good for your ... for Reva. Bye, everybody! > >CAMERA FOLLOWS JOSH as he leaves the house. > >3. EXT. BY BRIDGE OVER SPRINGFIELD RIVER - DAY > >JOSH emerges from a path through the woods, walks onto the bridge, and stares down into the river. He has a faraway look in his eyes. After a moment, he brings himself back to the present and consults his watch. He glances back toward the path. He looks disappointed. > >JOSH (to himself): She's not coming. >SONNI (off): Don't bet the farm on it, Josh. > >CAMERA PULLS BACK to show Sonni approaching from the opposite end of the bridge. She is dressed all in white. > >JOSH (looking toward her but not moving): I thought maybe you had second thoughts. >SONNI: Now why would I phone you to meet me and not show up? I didn't want the first time I saw you again to be in a room full of people. (Putting her hand on his arm): How've you been? >JOSH: How have *you* been? >SONNI: I haven't been myself. (Laughs.) According to my family. They took exception to the way I was living in San Francisco and stashed me in another flip bin. Where I'd still be sitting watching cartoons in the rec room, totally zombied out, if Roger hadn't come and lit a fire under me. >JOSH: Your old friend Roger. >SONNI: That was a rebound thing, and you know it. There's only ever been one man for me. >JOSH: Not to hear Alexandra tell it. >SONNI: Alex put a flea in your ear, did she? Consider the source. >JOSH: She says you and Alan are a hot item. She offered to ... She offered me a bribe if I'd split you up. >SONNI (laughing): Poor Alex! Poor Alan! He's never had much luck with women, but his sister and his daughter are crazy about him. >JOSH: He got lucky with you. >SONNI: I've been in the booby hatch for three years. Aside from that, my family cut me off. I don't have a dime. Alan is ... very generous. Have I shocked you? >JOSH: You've done worse. >SONNI: And probably will again. (Moves closer to him.) What do you say, Josh? Do you have one kiss left for a former wife? You're not getting to be an old fogy, are you? Don't tell me you've forgotten how to play. > >JOSH hesitates. SONNI turns up the voltage. He wraps her in his arms. As they kiss, CAMERA PANS along the bridge back to the place where the path emerges from the woods. ANNIE is standing among the trees. She looks absolutely flabbergasted. > >4. EXT. PLAYGROUND IN THE PARK - DAY > >ELENI, in a sundress, is pushing MARINA on a kiddie swing with a bar to hold her in. MARINA wears a pretty, ultrafeminine dress. > >MARINA: Not too high, Mommy. >ELENI: Don't worry. I'll be careful. > >MARINA looks apprehensive, but she's trying her best to have fun. As she swings gently to and fro, we see PETEY come tearing onto the playground and go scrambling up a wooden play gym while giving a war whoop. MARINA flinches. BRIDGET comes into the frame and strolls over to PETEY. > >BRIDGET: Be careful now. >PETEY (at the top): I'm the King of the Hill! I'm the Boss of the Universe! >ELENI: Hi, Bridget. >BRIDGET: Hi, Eleni. Sorry we're late. >ELENI: We were early. >MARINA: Do you like boys, Mommy? >ELENI: Of course I do. I always wanted to have a little ... (She sighs.) >MARINA (to herself): I don't like boys. They play rough. >BRIDGET (sitting in a regular swing and getting up a good head of steam): I always wanted to have a little girl. I'd go flat broke buying her dresses. Like I'm not flat broke already. >ELENI: Can you believe the price of children's clothes these days? >BRIDGET: And they grow out of them a month later. >REVA (off): I knew we'd be late. > >REVA is approaching the playground. She's holding hands with MARAH and SHAYNE. He tears himself away and runs toward the sandbox. > >SHAYNE (shouting): I got dibs on the shovel. >MARAH: Keep your voice down, Shayne. >SHAYNE (seizing the shovel): You shut up. You're not the boss of me. >MARINA: It's not nice to say shut up. >MARAH (sitting on a swing next to BRIDGET): Hi, Marina. Haven't seen you in a while. Would you give me a push, please, Mama? I like to go high. >REVA (pushing her): We got hung up. >BRIDGET: We were talking about the price of kids' clothes. >REVA: When Roxie and I were little, Mama made all our clothes. >BRIDGET: My mom used to buy my party dresses at the rummage sale at church. One time I went to a party, and this snooty girl says to me, "You've got my old dress on." >REVA: Bitch! >MARINA: It's not nice to say-- >ELENI: Be quiet, Marina. In Crete, we-- >BRIDGET: Wore hand-me-downs. >REVA: And walked five miles to school each way. >ELENI (smiling): Well, we did. > >SOUND of a shovel smacking the rim of the sandbox. > >REVA: Shayne, honey, what are you doing? >SHAYNE (smacking with his shovel): Killing ants. >MARINA: Bugs? I'm afraid of bugs. >MARAH: Shame on you, Shayne Lewis! Bugs have just as much right to live as we do. >MARINA (screams): There's a bug on me. Aaaaaah! Get it off! >ELENI: There's nothing on you. >SHAYNE (still smacking with his shovel): Die, you buggers, die! >MARINA: (screams). >ELENI (brushing MARINA's dress): There. It's all gone now. > >REVA and BRIDGET swap glances that say they think MARINA is a bit of a Miss Priss. > >MARAH: Higher, Mama. >PETEY (at the top of the play gym): I am the Boss of All Bosses. >SHAYNE: You're not the boss of me. (Whack! goes another ant.) >MARINA: I hate bugs. >MARAH: All bugs are our friends, aren't they, Mama? >REVA: Well, I'm not sure about bag worms. (Gives her a big push.) >BRIDGET: And moths. >ELENI: And spiders. >BRIDGET: Spiders? (Pretends to spit.) I ain't ascared of no spiders. >PETEY (shouting): I will be hated and feared throughout the universe! > >He gives another war whoop and spins on his heel. Suddenly he freezes. There's a LITTLE GIRL climbing up the ladder to the play gym. She's couple years older than he is, but not much taller. She wears denim overalls cut off at the knees, a baggy striped shirt, and a backwards baseball cap over her short blond hair. Her mouth is set grimly, and she won't make eye contact with him. She goes and stands near the sliding board that runs down from the top of the play gym. > >PETEY: Hi! I'm Petey. What's your name? >LITTLE GIRL: (ignores him). >PETEY: This jungle gym rules. It's got a slide and everything. See? (Sits at top of slide.) >LITTLE GIRL: I was gonna do that. > >With no warning, she gives him a mighty shove that sends him careening down the slide to land with a thud on the dirt at the bottom. BRIDGET jumps off the swing, runs over to him, picks him up, and dusts him off. PETEY is deciding whether he's hurt or not. > >BRIDGET: Oops-a-daisy! All better now. >PETEY (more mad than hurt): She pushed me. >BRIDGET: I saw. >PHILLIP (off): Just what do you think you're doing, young lady? > >PHILLIP comes into the frame. Like the others, he wears casual clothes that will stand up to a lot of roughhousing. > >PHILLIP: I asked you a question, Lizzie. What do you say to Peter? >LIZZIE: He was in my way. >PHILLIP: What do you say? (He waits. No answer.) You say, "I'm ..." (Still no answer.) >BRIDGET: It doesn't matter. >PHILLIP: I think it does. Well? I'm waiting. >LIZZIE (grudgingly): I'm sorry. >PETEY (cheerfully): That's okay. >LIZZIE (under her breath): Not. >PHILLIP: Afternoon, everybody. This is Lizzie, as if you couldn't guess. >ALL: Hi, Lizzie. >PHILLIP: Sorry we're late. Lizzie's plane didn't get in 'til after midnight, so we slept in today. >REVA: You missed a fascinating discussion of party dresses. (Kisses him on the cheek) >BRIDGET: And bugs. >SHAYNE (whacking away): Die, die, die! >PHILLIP: Hi, Eleni. How's it going? >ELENI (sadly): Same as ever. >PHILLIP (hugs her shoulder): I'm sorry I didn't know you when you were married to my brother. Of all Alan-Michael's ex-wives, you're my favorite. >SHAYNE: Hey, stop that! >LIZZIE (wrests the shovel out of his hand): It's my turn now. >MARAH: We have to take turns, Shayne. >SHAYNE: You shut your trap, Marah. Gimme that back! (They wrestle for it.) >MARINA: It's not nice to say shut your trap. >PETEY: Hey, Lizzie, wanna go down the slide? > >LIZZIE and SHAYNE have a tug-of-war over the shovel. As PHILLIP and REVA approach the sandbox, LIZZIE grabs the shovel. SHAYNE hauls off and bops her on the nose. She raises the shovel as if to pound him with it, but PHILLIP snatches her up, and REVA grabs SHAYNE. > >LIZZIE: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! (Blood streams from her nose.) > >5. INT. CEDARS EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY > >CAMERA OPENS on a CLOSE-UP of LIZZIE with a man's hand pinching her nose. > >LIZZIE (nasally): I don' wanna shot. > >CAMERA PULLS BACK to show LIZZIE sitting on PHILLIP's lap as he sits on edge of the examining table. DR. KELLY NELSON is pinching LIZZIE's nose. > >PHILLIP: Now, Lizzie-- >KELLY: No shot. I promise. >LIZZIE: I don' wanna drink no icky stuff. >KELLY: Five minutes, no peeking--that's the rule. What happened, Lizzie? You get in a barroom brawl? >LIZZIE: (glares at him). >PHILLIP: She gave as good as she got, believe me. I don't know what they teach in that day camp of hers ... >KELLY: Wrestling, maybe? >PHILLIP: Extreme wrestling. >LILLIAN (off): Phillip! What happened to Lizzie? > >CAMERA PULLS BACK to show LILLIAN just entering the examining room. She wears a sweater over her nurse's whites. > >LILLIAN: Hi, sweetheart. (Pulls off baseball cap and kisses the top of Lizzie's head. To Phillip): I thought you were going to call me when her plane got in. >LIZZIE: (grabs the cap back). >PHILLIP: There was ground fog. She landed two hours late. >LILLIAN: You should have let me fly out and get her. You should have flown out to get her yourself. And why didn't Beth come? >PHILLIP: Pas devant l'enfant. >LILLIAN: What? >LIZZIE: Not in front of the kid. >KELLY (releasing her nose): Five minutes. That does it. By George, I think I've cured another patient. You want a lollipop, Lizzie? >LIZZIE: Yes! >PHILLIP: Beth doesn't let her have candy. Says she's got enough energy. >LILLIAN: And it's bad for her teeth. Come on, Lizzie. (Lifts her off PHILLIP's lap.) I'll treat you to a nice bowl of rice pudding in the cafeteria. > >LIZZIE drags her feet as LILLIAN tugs her out of the examining room toward the reception room. > >LEO (off): Lillian! I was looking for you. I love that sweater on you. This must be Lizzie, right? > >As LEO's VOICE fades into the distance, PHILLIP gets up off the table. > >PHILLIP: I don't do "daddy" well. >KELLY: I thought you were doing all right. >PHILLIP: No. I talk to them like they were grownups, and they resent that. >KELLY: I always thought kids resented it when you talked down to them. >PHILLIP: Oh, they resent that, too. (Looks toward the door.) Rick! Hey, pal. >RICK (entering): Annie told me you brought Lizzie in with a nosebleed. Where is she? >PHILLIP: Being spoiled by her grandmother. >VOICE ON THE INTERCOM: Paging Dr. Nelson, Dr. Kelly Nelson to the cardiac unit, please. >KELLY: Gotta go, guys. It's been real. (Exits.) > >An awkward silence falls. RICK shuffles his feet. PHILLIP gives him a wry smile. > >PHILLIP: So ... How's life with the master criminal? >RICK: If you mean Blake, she's doing okay for somebody whose babies died not so very long ago. >PHILLIP: Yeah, well, Blake always manages to land on her feet. Funny how that happens. >RICK: Are you ... >PHILLIP: Come on, pal, spit it out. >RICK: Are you going to press charges? On the check thing. >PHILLIP: The forged check thing, I think you mean. The A. Spaulding check thing. I figure that's up to my dear brother. He had the misfortune to be married to the lady when she was consorting with mad bombers. >RICK: Water over the dam, buddy. >PHILLIP: Water you and I drowned in for five years of our lives. >RICK: I have three words for you, Phil--get over it. >PHILLIP: Listen, Rick-- >LEO (off): Knock knock? (He enters.) I'm not interrupting a male-bonding moment, am I? >RICK: More like a male head-butting moment. >PHILLIP: Like two rams locking horns over a worthless-- >RICK: Watch it! >LEO: Well, be that as it may, Lil told me you were in here, Phillip, and it just so happens I have these papers burning a hole in my briefcase. (Sets it on the examining table and pops the latches.) >RICK: Papers? What papers? > >6. INT. BAUER KITCHEN - NIGHT > >KATHLEEN is seated at the kitchen table with her briefcase open and papers spread all around. She is jotting notes on a legal pad. She wears a gray business suit and has kicked her high heels off. There is no sign whatever of dinner preparations. MICHELLE enters from the back of the house. She's wearing a Laura Ashley-style dress, with flounces. (Or rather, it is wearing her.) > >MICHELLE: Hi, Aunt Kathy. What's for dinner? >KATHLEEN (still scribbling): Damn if I know. > >MICHELLE stands in what would be KATHLEEN's line of sight and pirouettes slowly, once. KATHLEEN doesn't look up. > >MICHELLE: How do you like my dress? >KATHLEEN (glancing up briefly): Yeah. Fine. (Resumes scribbling.) > >MICHELLE gives up and wanders over to the refrigerator. She looks inside for a while, takes out a bottle of milk, hesitates, puts it back, takes out a bottle of mineral water, and pours herself a glass. > >MICHELLE: Do you think I'm getting fat? >KATHLEEN (scribbling): What? >MICHELLE: I said, do you think I'm ... Never mind. >KATHLEEN (looking up): Do I think you're getting fat? I most certainly don't. I'm not going to come back here some day and find you've transformed yourself into Kate Moss, am I? Because Kate Moss looks like a concentration camp victim. Real women have hips. (Pats hers.) >MICHELLE (to herself): And breasts. > >WE HEAR a hubbub on the porch. RICK flings the door open and enters, followed by ED, ANNIE, and ABIGAIL. > >RICK: Hi, honey, we're home! The sick of Springfield are safe for another day. Mmmm! What's that I smell? Pot roast? Fried chicken? Meat loaf? >KATHLEEN: It is if you make it. >MICHELLE: I've decided to become a vegetarian. >ED: Oh my God! >ANNIE: She's got a point, Ed. We eat too much meat in this country. Just look at our heart attack rate. >RICK (rummaging in the refrigerator): Gotta have heart attacks, Annie. Otherwise you and me and Dad will all go broke. >ABIGAIL (rummaging in the cupboards): Who feels like spaghetti? >RICK: I do. (Goes limp and falls to the floor.) >MICHELLE (signing to ABBY): Could you make it with tomato sauce? Oh, I forgot. I'm going out to eat. >RICK (hopping up): Then we'll make it with ground beef. (Pulls a package out of the meat keeper.) Lots and lots of ground beef. >ED (suspiciously, to MICHELLE): Who are you going out to eat with? And why are you all gussied up? >MICHELLE: You remember. The birthday party? At the country club? >ED: Oh yeah. Okay. (Pulls ANNIE to one side.) Stay and have dinner with us. >ANNIE: No, I can't. I've got things to do, places to go, people to see. >ED: You've been doing so well ever-- >ANNIE: Ever since I got out of rehab. This time. >ED: You're off the pills. You're off the booze. >ANNIE: Yeah, I hit bottom after I burned down the carousel. But you know what they say in the program--there's always another bottom under that. >ED: Come on, stay. It's spaghetti. >ANNIE: I'm meeting somebody. Friends. Really. >ED: What's up, Annie? I'm worried about you. Lemme play sponsor. Please? Pretty please? >ANNIE: No, honest, it's nothing. But ... Ed, if I described a woman, could you-- > >WE HEAR a volley of knocking, followed immediately by the opening of the door. ROSS enters, with ALAN-MICHAEL behind him. > >ROSS: Hi, Edward! I brought your nephew over to ... Oh. Rick. I thought you moved out. >RICK: Nope. Still doing business at the same old stand. Blake has a new place, though, and I bet she'd love to-- >ROSS (coldly): Don't go there. (Pauses to decide between leaving and acting like nothing is wrong.). Do I smell Bauer Burgers? >RICK: Spaghetti sauce. (Signs to ABBY): Ross wants to knows what he smells. >ABIGAIL (browning meat in a pan on the stove): Spaghetti sauce. >ROSS: God, I'm hungry. >ABIGAIL: Stay for supper. >ROSS: I'll think about it. Hi, Michelle. I got a postcard from Sam in Vancouver. Want to see? (Hands it to her.) She's working in a coffeehouse and taking art classes. >ANNIE: I really have to go now. >ED: Annie, wait. >ANNIE: I'll talk to you tomorrow. (Exits.) >ED (to ROSS): You brought my nephew over to what? >A-M: To ask if there's some kind of computer network between hospitals, some way we could find out if Lucy's in the hospital anyplace in the country. >ED: I wish there was, but it would make too much sense. There are donor registries, of course, but ... Still no sign of Lucy? >A-M: (shakes his head). >ED (patting his shoulder): She'll turn up. You'll find her. >A-M: You haven't heard anything more from that Zachary guy? >ED: Not a peep. You'll be the first one to know if I-- >MICHELLE: Oh my gosh, it's almost six-thirty. I gotta go. > >She snatches up her purse and heads for the door. WE HEAR a knock. MICHELLE opens the door to reveal BEN. > >BEN (flustered): Michelle, hi! I came over to ask if you wanted to go see _Eraser_. It's pretty cool. I've seen it twice already. >MICHELLE: Can't. Got a party to go to. Bye. (Exits.) >BEN: What party? >ED: Hey, Ben! We don't see nearly enough of you lately. Come over and swim some time. >BEN: Um, I been kind of busy. I give tennis lessons to kids at the country club. And I'm working with Dad at _The Journal_. They call me an intern, but I'm really just a glorified slave. >ED (distracted): That's nice. >RICK: (is chopping onions with gusto at the counter). >ED: Not too many onions. >RICK: Lots of onions. Lots and lots of onions. And lots of garlic, too. >ED: Oh my poor stomach! >BEN: Um, Dr. Bauer-- >ED: Ed. You can call me Ed. >ROSS: Or you can use his courtesy title--call him Mr. Ed. >ED: (mock-punches ROSS). >BEN (absently): Okay. What party did Michelle go to? Is Bill going, too? > >7. INT. DRESSING ROOM AT THE TOWERS - NIGHT > >DAHLIA is seated at a dressing table applying her stage makeup. BILL is standing behind her, watching intently. She has a robe on. > >BILL: How can you stand putting all that gunk on your face night after night? You don't need it. >DAHLIA: I do under the lights. The spotlights wash you out. >BILL (not knowing quite what to do with his hands and feet): So ... how do you like being a candy-striper? >DAHLIA: It's okay. I'm on the same schedule as Michelle. That's fun. We both had off today, but yesterday I got to help Kelly set a boy's wrist. He broke it in Little League. Well, I didn't help, exactly, but I talked to the boy while Kelly ... I just kind of ... >BILL: Razzle-dazzled him? >DAHLIA: Distracted him, yes. (Concentrates on her makeup.) >BILL: I'm loving Lewis Oil. I mean, it kicks just to be there and to know that I'm part of Granddaddy's business and ... My grandfather came back to Springfield, did I tell you? >DAHLIA: No, I-- > >She freezes. In the mirror, we see TINA in the open door, with FRANK behind her. > >DAHLIA: Get away from here. >TINA (stricken): Oh, baby-- >DAHLIA: I mean it. Go away. I don't want to talk to either one of you. >FRANK: Dahlia, your mother is very upset. >DAHLIA: Well, that's her lookout. I've heard about enough lies to last me a lifetime. >TINA: Baby, the only reason I never told you Frank is your father is-- >DAHLIA: Is you didn't want to hurt me. You hurt me, Mama. You hurt me good. You took everything I ever believed in and turned it into a lie. You took my wonderful father, who I thought got killed in a car crash on his way to marry you, and you turned him into a picture you got out of a drugstore wallet. >FRANK: Dahlia, please-- >DAHLIA (jumping up and screaming): Get out, get out, get out! > >BILL is troubled. FRANK and TINA are crushed. MARCUS pushes past them into the room. > >MARCUS: What's going on here? I could hear you all the way down the hall. >DAHLIA: Get these people out of here. >MARCUS: You heard the lady. (Gives FRANK a push.) >FRANK: (looks daggers at him). >MARCUS: I'm not gonna have you upsetting the talent right before she goes on. It's party time, Dahlia. What you want to open with? >DAHLIA: I feel like starting with "God Bless the Child." > >8. INT. COUNTRY CLUB DINING ROOM - NIGHT > >Average crowd for a weeknight. Couple of waiters bustling around, including WYATT. On one side of the room, BARBARA, HOLLY, BLAKE, and MICHELLE are seated together. HOLLY wears a black cocktail dress, BLAKE wears an orange dressy dress, MICHELLE wears her Laura Ashley, and BARBARA wears something matronly; no sequins! On the opposite side, AMANDA, DINAH, and ANNIE share a table. AMANDA wears a low-cut faux leopard-skin dress, DINAH wears a black-and-white dressy suit, and ANNIE wears a lime-green pantsuit in a shiny fabric. Halfway between these two groups is a table for two, where a MYSTERY MAN is seated alone with his back to us. He can watch both of the other tables from this vantage point. We never see his face, but we do occasionally notice that he is wearing a gold Rolex watch. > >CAMERA OPENS on a CLOSE-UP of MICHELLE, who is singing softly (not loud enough to carry beyond her table). > >MICHELLE (singing): Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, You looks like a monkey, You belong in the zoo. > >CAMERA PULLS BACK to show HOLLY and BARBARA laughing. >BLAKE (pretending to be miffed): Well! Thank you so much! >MICHELLE (mortified): I said it was silly. >BARBARA (patting her hand): It was lovely, dear. >MICHELLE: We used to sing it in camp, is all. >BLAKE: I always think, Mom, if you'd had me just a little bit later, I could have been a Leo instead of a Cancer. I feel like a Leo. >HOLLY: My parents were both born under Leo. (Smiles at BARBARA.) It was like growing up in a house with too many chiefs and not enough Indians. >MICHELLE: What are you, Holly? >HOLLY: Pisces. Dust bin of the zodiac. >MICHELLE: I'm Scorpio, but I don't feel like a Scorpio. They're supposed to be take-charge guys. I mostly feel like I'm getting lost in the shuffle. >BLAKE (raising her wine glass): Here's to not getting lost in the shuffle. > >They clink glasses. (MICHELLE is drinking a mocktail.) WYATT arrives at their table with a tray and starts to dole out their dinners. HOLLY gets shrimp, BLAKE gets chicken breast, BARBARA gets filet mignon with bearnaise sauce, MICHELLE gets a large salad. > >BARBARA (to MICHELLE): Are you sure that's enough for you, dear? It's my treat. >MICHELLE: It's plenty. I'm a vegetarian now. >BLAKE: Good luck to you. I tried to be a vegetarian once, but I couldn't eat out anywhere. Springfield is like the meat capital of the world. For a while I stuck to Chinese restaurants. Then I found out they put lard in their fortune cookies. >MICHELLE: Lard? Yuk! >WYATT (to MICHELLE): Would you care for pepper on your salad? >MICHELLE: No, thank you. > >CAMERA FOLLOWS WYATT to the center table. > >WYATT: Are you ready for dessert now, sir? >MYSTERY MAN: Just coffee. >WYATT: Espresso? Cappuccino? >MYSTERY MAN: Just coffee. Black. > >CAMERA FOLLOWS WYATT to the third table. > >WYATT: Are you ready to order now, ladies? >AMANDA: That's no lady. That's Roger's wife. (Whoops with laughter.) >DINAH: That's no lady. That's the Malibu Madam. (Giggles.) >ANNIE: Yes, I think we-- >AMANDA: Not just yet. Bring us another round, waiter. Hey, didn't I see you at my cousin Nick's wedding? Nick Spaulding. >WYATT: I'm a friend of the bride, a friend of Susan's. >AMANDA: Yeah, that's right. Don't you work at the hospital? >WYATT: Volunteer work. This is my regular gig. Let's see, that was Perrier with a twist, Campari and soda, and-- >AMANDA: A very dry martini for me. Use the good gin. > >They watch him walk to a side table, pick up a coffee pot, and cross back to the center of the room. > >DINAH: He's cute. >AMANDA: Are you kidding? Get out your gaydar, Dinah. He is not for us. Now *that* guy, on the other hand ... > >POV SHOT of WYATT pouring coffee in the MYSTERY MAN's cup. > >DINAH: Yeah, he's hot. Even from here he sizzles. What do you think, Annie? Is he hot or not? >ANNIE: Looks hot from here. >AMANDA: 'Course I'd have to see him in blue jeans to be sure. >DINAH: Or Calvins. >AMANDA: Definitely Calvins. Who *is* that guy? >DINAH: Dunno. Never saw him before. Annie? >ANNIE: Never clapped eyes on him. Lot of strangers in town these days. Since I got out of rehab, seems like half the players have changed. Listen. Has either of you ever seen a woman, she's kind of tall and tan and-- >WYATT (arriving with a tray of drinks): Here we go, ladies. Round three. (Sets their drinks down.) Would you like to hear about our specials? >AMANDA (jerking her thumb at the MYSTERY MAN): Not unless he's on the menu tonight. >DINAH: Mmm, mmm, good! >ANNIE: And she has short dark hair and-- >AMANDA (holding up her glass): Well, girls, what shall we drink to? >DINAH (doing likewise): Confusion to our enemies. >ANNIE (ditto): Yes. Let's drink a confusion. > >They clink glasses. CAMERA FOLLOWS WYATT back to the first table. > >WYATT: Everything okay, ladies? >BARBARA: Yes, it's fine. >BLAKE: Very good. >WYATT: (exits frame). >BLAKE: Well, Mom, have you made up your mind? >HOLLY: Definitely. We're definitely going to get a new place. Reverend Smith says-- >BLAKE: That guy creeps me out. >BARBARA: He's been very good to Holly. >HOLLY: He says as long as I stay where I am, I'll never stop moping. >BLAKE: The geographical cure. I don't like it. >BARBARA: It's better than-- >HOLLY: For heaven's sake, Blake, we're not moving to Timbuktu. >MICHELLE: You wouldn't leave town, would you, Holly? 'Cause I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to talk to. Aunt Kathy is okay, but ... >BARBARA: It's hard to lose your mother. >MICHELLE: That's the one thing me and Ben ... That's the main thing we have in common. >BARBARA: I lost my mother thirty years ago, and I still think about her almost every day. >HOLLY: Don't worry, Michelle. (Squeezes her hand.) We're just going to get a nice little townhouse in the suburbs. >BARBARA: With a garden. >BLAKE: Well, if you're sure, why don't we get together day after tomorrow and scope out the real estate agencies? >HOLLY: Why not tomorrow? >BLAKE: Because Dad has big plans for my second birthday party. We're all going out to the lake. >HOLLY: All? >BLAKE: Yes, Mom, *she's* going to. And Hart, of course. >HOLLY: I hope you told your father-- >BLAKE: Yeah, he knows he could have come tonight. But this way I get two birthdays. Fletcher gave me off tomorrow. He ... I'm sorry. >HOLLY (shaken): It's all right. (She rises.) Excuse me a minute. I'm just going to duck into the ladies room. >BLAKE: The ladies room? At the country club? Watch your step. I see Miss Amanda is in the house. > >CAMERA PULLS BACK, and we see that the MYSTERY MAN has also risen. He calculates which way HOLLY is headed and contrives to meet her face to face at the dining room door. She steps right. He steps right. She steps left. He steps left. > >HOLLY (smiling): Bread and butter. Or is that what you say when a pole comes between you? >MYSTERY MAN: I think so. >HOLLY: Do I know you? >MYSTERY MAN: I'm afraid not. I'm sure I'd remember a woman as beautiful as you are. >HOLLY (rattled): Thank you very much. >MYSTERY MAN: I mean it. I'm sure we've never met. But maybe, if I play my cards right, we'll meet again. > >He bows slightly and exits. HOLLY looks after him, intrigued. > >9. INT. SPRINGFIELD JOURNAL - NIGHT > >FLETCHER is seated at the desk in his office, editing a story on his computer, when ALEX appears in the doorway. > >FLETCHER: We meet again! What brings you here in the wee small hours, Alexandra? Come to tell me Alan got his act together, and he's going to blow Fifth Street sky high? >ALEX: I wish! I wish he were still obsessed with Fifth Street, but he's got a new bee in his bonnet, and we'll be lucky if he doesn't bring all of Spaulding Enterprises down around our ears. >FLETCHER: I get it. Your brother's off the reservation, and you need a favor. >ALEX: Is that any way to talk to an old friend? (Sits in a chair on the other side of the desk.) Somebody who was marooned with you on a desert island? >FLETCHER: Somebody who sat on her duff complaining while I fetched her fresh fish and coconuts. >ALEX: An old friend and a former ... sweetheart. Can't I just be concerned? Can't I just drop by to see how you're doing? You look like you need a vacation, Fletcher. >FLETCHER: A vacation? No way, Jose. I'm shorthanded as it is. I got a rookie reporter doing all my investigative work and a green kid who accidentally deleted all the syndicated features when he tried to download our MCI mail. >ALEX: You don't want to become a workaholic. I'd be happy to loan you the Spaulding jet, fly you anywhere you want to go. >FLETCHER: Are you trying to get rid of me, Alexandra? >ALEX: No, of course not. I-- > "Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out." Linda Bowles part 2: > >BEN (pokes his head in the door): I got 'em all back, Dad. Hi, Aunt Alex. >FLETCHER: She's not your aunt. >ALEX: I'm his honorary aunt. I miss you, Ben. Come over some weekend, and we'll go riding together. >BEN: Cool! (To Fletcher): I got all the features back. They were in a file that holds the stuff you've deleted. I put 'em on the network for you. >FLETCHER: Good work, kid. Sorry about _Eraser_, but this comes first. Now, go get coffee for your "Aunt Alex" and me. Skedaddle! >BEN: (exits). >ALEX: You're so lucky, Fletcher. So lucky to have a son to follow in your footsteps. >FLETCHER: What do you hear from Nick and Susan? >ALEX: They're in Prague now. I make him check in with me once a week. >FLETCHER: Make him check in, huh? Tell me your secret. Only time I ever hear from Meredith is Christmas and my birthday. >ALEX: We have to keep in close touch because, the way things are shaping up at Spaulding, I may need his vote to-- >HAMP (off): Fletcher? You in there? >FLETCHER: Hey, Hamp! Come on in. >HAMP (entering): Oh, hi, Ms. Spaulding. I didn't mean to butt in. >FLETCHER: No problem, old buddy. Take a pew. What brings you to my lair at this time of night? >HAMP (pulling up a straight chair): Dropped off a new ad for the Towers, with Dahlia's picture in it. Between her and Lil, we're SRO every night, but it doesn't hurt to keep ourselves out there. >ALEX: I had lunch with Lil today. Your ears must have been burning. >HAMP (embarrassed): Yeah, well, the thing with Dahlia is, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Couple of talent scouts dropped in tonight. Probably won't be able to keep her much longer. She'll be off to bigger and better things. >GILLY (off): Who'll be off to bigger and better things? >FLETCHER: Gilly! Join the party. Hamp was saying that Dahlia is getting too big for this burg. > >GILLY enters and remains standing, as far away from ALEX as she can get. They eye one another warily. > >FLETCHER: What's up? You decide to take my job offer? We could really use you around here. >GILLY: Uh uh, Fletch, I'm happy where I am. >ALEX: (snorts). >FLETCHER: We can't offer you Spaulding-type money, but wouldn't you rather be using your chops as a reporter instead of being a flack for the capitalist oppressors? >ALEX: Capital doesn't oppress Gilly. She's turned into quite the little capitalist herself. But you should think twice about accepting his offer, Gilly. You'd have a lot more job security at _The Journal_ than you do at Spaulding. >GILLY: Actually, Alexandra, Phillip and I intend to stay right where we are for a long time to come. Speaking of which, here's a press release for you. (Hands it to Fletcher.) Hamp, I've been getting e-mail from Kat. I didn't realize she'd started law school. >HAMP: Yep. You could've knocked me over with a feather. Never thought she'd be interested in that. >GILLY: David, maybe, but not Kat. Well, it's been *so* nice seeing you all-- >ALEX: (smiles thinly). >GILLY: But I gotta run. >HAMP (rising): Can I give you a lift? >GILLY: No, thanks. I have my own car. But you could walk me to it. I hate parking garages at night. (She exits with him.) >ALEX (calling after her): Yes, do be careful, Gilly. It's a dangerous world out there. >FLETCHER: Mew mew. (Taps a few keys.) You know the worst thing about being a writer? Nobody ever believes you're working. >ALEX: I can take a hint. (Rises.) If you could just point me toward the morgue ... >FLETCHER: Ah ha! You do want something. The morgue, is it? How far back do you want to go? >ALEX: Starting from 1987. >FLETCHER: Lucky you. That's AC--after computers. (Bellowing): Ben! >BEN (trotting in): Sorry, Dad. Coffee's brewing. Had to make a fresh pot. >FLETCHER: First I want you to set "Aunt Alex" up at a terminal and get her our back issues for 1987. And try not to delete the whole kits and caboodle while you're at it, kid. >BEN: Yes, Dad. I mean no, Dad. > >BEN and ALEX exit together. FLETCHER resumes editing. He is so wrapped up in his work that he doesn't notice that someone else has entered his office. WE HEAR a cough. FLETCHER glances up. He looks amazed. POV SHOT of CLAIRE RAMSEY. > >CLAIRE: Don't just sit there. Come give me a hug. > >10. INT. COMPANY - DAY > >It's early morning, and the restaurant isn't open for business. MATT, in tight blue jeans and a tank top, is standing on a ladder changing light bulbs. BEA, in a house dress with a kerchief on her head, is holding the ladder. > >BEA: I'd give you a spanking if I thought it would do any good. >MATT: It's not my fault, Grandma. It's Vanessa. Ever since she got back from Switzerland, she's been cold as cold can be. She's the one who wants the divorce. >BEA: But you're the one who signed the papers asking for half her money. >MATT: I'm just trying to slow things up. She has a lot of assets. It'll take months to run them all down. Maybe by then I can figure out what turned her against me. I thought at first it was her health, that she didn't want me to have to nurse her. But, far as I can tell, she's completely cured. >BEA: In remission. >MATT: Whatever you call it. > >CAMERA ANGLE WIDENS to show KATHLEEN coming in the front door. She is power-suited and carrying her briefcase. > >KATHLEEN: Hi, Ma. Any chance of breakfast? >BEA (curtly): We're opening late. It's cleanup day. You could grab a broom and pitch in. >KATHLEEN (crossing to a coffee machine behind the counter): I'd rather grab a cup of coffee. >BEA: Don't they have coffee at Ed's place? >KATHLEEN (pouring a cup): Yes, they do, but this morning I failed to boil water. I didn't know you couldn't put an electric teakettle on the stove. Good thing Michelle remembered where they keep the fire extinguisher. > >BEA sniffs in disgust. MATT climbs down from the ladder and crosses to a table to pick up another box of light bulbs. BEA starts to drag the ladder under another light fixture. KATHLEEN puts her coffee cup on a table and tries to help. > >BEA: I can manage. Hard work doesn't scare me. > >KATHLEEN shrugs and sits down to drink her coffee. WE HEAR a commotion in the kitchen, then NOLA, QUINT, STACEY, and J, all wearing work clothes and rubber gloves and carrying various mops, buckets, and other cleaning gear, troop in through the kitchen door. Like BEA, NOLA has a kerchief on her head. > >NOLA: I said no, young man, and I mean no. Today is the day we agreed to do our spring cleaning-- >J: It's July. >NOLA: And spring cleaning is what we're going to do. You and Stacey go mop up by the front door. (To Quint): As for you, Mister Big Shot Archaeologist, you give that counter a good scrubbing. I'm going to dust the chairs. >QUINT: Aye aye, Captain. > >They all set about their assigned tasks. ANGLE ON J and STACEY as they mop the floor. > >STACEY: If this is a family project, where's *my* father? Why don't I go beep him at the hospital? >J: Cut it out, Stacey. That joke's old. If I hear it one more time, I'm gonna tell Mom you snooped in her diary and found out she tried to pass you off as Dr. Nelson's daughter. You'll be laughing out of the other side of your face then. It's none of our business what Mom did when she was young. >STACEY: Mama's little pet! (Mops vigorously.) You always wuss out on me. > >The bucket full of sudsy water jiggles as somebody pushes on the front door. J. snatches the bucket out of the way, and MARCUS and ABIGAIL enter, both in work clothes. > >ABIGAIL: You started without us. >MARCUS (calling to BEA): Hi, Mrs. Reardon. I went to get Abby. What can we do? >STACEY: Mrs. Chamberlain is the chief slave driver today. Hello, gorgeous! (Kisses him) >MARCUS: Hello, gorgeous, right back at you. >STACEY: Bet you're wishing you never got mixed up with this family. Either we've got you up to your knees in dirt or up to your elbows in soapy water. >MARCUS: Wouldn't have it any other way. (Kisses her.) >NOLA: No smooching on duty, you two. Marcus, you go get a broom and sweep out behind the counter. J, tell Abby to help me with these chairs. > >J. signs to ABIGAIL, who gives his arm a squeeze, crosses to NOLA, and starts removing chairs from the table and dusting them one by one. Meantime NOLA crosses to KATHLEEN. > >NOLA: So, Kathleen, are you going to get up off your fanny and lend a hand? >KATHLEEN: No, little sister, I'm not dressed for housework, but I wouldn't say no to another cup of coffee. >NOLA: (hurrumphs). >KATHLEEN: If you want to play mother hen, that's all right with me. Just don't drag me into it. I'm not the type. >NOLA (spraying Endust close to her): Oh damn! I'm out of Endust. Marcus, could you go get me another can? In the pantry, on the top shelf. >MARCUS (laying his broom aside and crossing to the kitchen door). I'm off to the salt mines. (Exits, whistling "Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, It's Off to Work We Go.") > >CLOSE-UP of NOLA with a dreamy look in her eyes. CAMERA PULLS BACK to show her dressed as Snow White, with a broom in her hands. ANGLE WIDENS to show BEA, MATT, KATHLEEN, QUINT, STACEY, J, and ABIGAIL dressed as the Seven Dwarfs. On their knees, they "march" to the front door, singing "Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, It's Off to Work We Go." > >NOLA: Have a good day at the diamond mines, boys. I'll have your supper ready when you get home. > >They march out the door. NOLA sweeps briskly, in time to her whistling. Suddenly there's a puff of red smoke, and AMANDA materializes, dressed as the Wicked Witch, with bosoms heaving. She extends an apple to NOLA. > >AMANDA: Would you like a nice shiny red apple, little girl? > >NOLA reaches for it. CLOSE SHOT of her arm, reaching out. Another arm reaches in the frame, but the hand is empty. CAMERA PULLS BACK to show BRIDGET reaching out to take NOLA's hand. HART, in his wheelchair, is seated opposite KATHLEEN, and PETEY is clinging onto to the hem of BRIDGET's shorts. > >BRIDGET: What is it, Aunt Nola? What do you want? >NOLA (shaking herself out of her daydream): I want you to wipe down the booths. And, Petey, I want you to-- >PETEY: Can I get rollerblades, Mommy? >BRIDGET: "*May* I get rollerblades, Mommy?" >PETEY: Well, may I? >BRIDGET: Absolutely not. >PETEY: Bummer! > >He puts his hand down and charges toward the front door, where he slides across the wet floor. > >J: God ... gosh darn it! I just mopped there! > >SOUND of a horn honking. PETEY hurls the front door open and overturns the bucket. Soapy water spreads across the floor. > >STACEY (jumping out of the way): Damn and blast! >NOLA: Anastasia! Language! >PETEY: It's for you, Daddy. It's Granddaddy's van. > >BRIDGET wheels HART to the door, where PETEY jumps up in his lap. > >PETEY: Can I come too, Daddy? Please! >BRIDGET: Not this time, squirt. I've got other plans for you. But you can come say hi to your grandfather. > >They start to exit, but the doorway is blocked by KELLY and WYATT. > >KELLY: Hi, Bridgie. Are we too early for breakfast? We were cat-sitting for friends next door to you all, and wouldn't you know they'd want their cat back first thing this morning? >BRIDGET: Not serving breakfast today. Spring cleaning. But you can come in for coffee if you want. (Calling out): Aunt Nola! Get these guys a couple of cups of coffee. > >She wheels HART and PETEY out as KELLY and WYATT enter. > >NOLA (pulling off her kerchief): Hi, Kel! Stacey, get Dr. Nelson and his roommate a couple of cups of coffee. >STACEY (softly, so only J. can hear): Get my father a cup of coffee, will you? >J (loudly): Shut up, shut up, shut up! >BEA (shaking a dust rag at him): Anthony James! What's got into you? Is that any way to talk to your sister? Come on in, boys. Take a seat. I'll get you some coffee. > >ANGLE ON KELLY and WYATT as they sit at one of the tables that has already been dusted. > >KELLY: Damn. Mostly Reardons. No good dish today. >WYATT: Except ... who is that guy on the ladder? I've seen him around the hospital once or twice, but not in those jeans. >KELLY: That's Matt, Bridget's brother. He's married to Vanessa Chamberlain. >WYATT: Really married? >KELLY: Well, I hear they're getting a divorce. Put your eyes back in your head, honey. >WYATT: I can dream, can't I? >KELLY: There was a big to-do in the paper about him. Maybe you read it. Part of that Malibu Madam flap. I missed the actual excitement, but the guys next door told me. Seems like Matt's a veteran of her stud farm. >WYATT: Oh really? > >He opens his mouth to say more, but is interrupted by a tremendous clatter from the direction of the front door. We see a WOMAN sprawled out on her face on the floor. >NOLA crosses to her quickly. > >NOLA: Oh my goodness, what next? (Helps her up.) Are you okay, Miss? >WOMAN: I ... I'm fine. No bones broken. Are you the person who runs this place? >NOLA: No, but I'm her aunt. Can I help you? >WOMAN: It's just that ... I lost my job recently. I used to be ... in the hospitality business. I thought you might have an opening for a waitress here. Oh, I'm sorry. Where are my manners? (Holds out her hand.) I'm Lola Fontaine. >NOLA (shaking it): I'm afraid we haven't got anything for you just now. You might try down at the diner on Fifth Street. Besides, Nola and Lola? That would never do. > >11. INT. THE DINER - DAY > >BUZZ is wiping off the counter. LOLA is sitting on a stool. > >LOLA: So if you could just see your way clear to hiring me-- >BUZZ: I'm sorry, Lola. Times are tough. This is a family business. Most everybody who works here is related to me. >LOLA (starts to go, but has a thought): Are you married, Mr. Cooper? > >ANGLE WIDENS to include REVA, who's wearing a conservative dress. She drapes a proprietary arm over BUZZ's shoulder. > >REVA: He's very much married. >BUZZ (kissing her hand): To the sexy Mrs. Reva Shayne Lewis Lewis Spaulding Lewis-- >REVA: Cooper! (Gives him a push. To Lola): If you're hunting for work, I'd steer clear of Fifth Street. Try uptown. >LOLA: Okay. (Crosses to the door.) I'm sorry. This looks like a great place to spend time. (Exits.) >BUZZ: Oh, it's just peachy. I got an extension from the egg man, Reva. >REVA: Well, it's better than nothing. I'm telling you, hon, the way things are going, one of us will have to get a real paying job. Maybe Fletcher needs a photographer at _The Journal_. >BUZZ: It's worth a shot. (Laughs and nudges her.) Get it? Photography. Worth a shot. >REVA: Or you could become a comedian. The next Jerry Seinfeld. >BUZZ: The next Lenny Bruce. (Whips off his apron. He's wearing a suit.) Do I look okay? >REVA: You look fine. I heard from Abby. She had J. call me to say she'd forgotten this was the day she'd promised to help clean up at Company. So she won't be coming. >BUZZ: Tough break. I know you wanted her with you. Now if my kids would just get here-- > >With that, the door opens, and FRANK comes in, followed by HARLEY and ALAN-MICHAEL, all soberly dressed. > >BUZZ: It's about time. Frank, what's the story on Eleni? >FRANK: She said she'd bring Marina and meet us there. >BUZZ: I was thinking, under the circumstances, she might not want to-- >FRANK: She said she wouldn't miss it for the world, Dad. Who's gonna hold down the fort here, now that Mrs. Popov-- >BUZZ: We're closing the joint, out of respect. This was a great idea of yours, Harley. >HARLEY: Yeah, well, without me the Coopers wouldn't know which end is up. I can't believe it took you guys this long to get a headstone. >FRANK: We ordered it months ago, but apparently it always takes awhile to carve one. >BUZZ (crossing to ALAN-MICHAEL): Good to see you. (Gives him a hug.) >A-M: I'm standing in for Lucy. I know she'd be here if she could. Anyway, I loved Nadine, too. She died trying to save us. >HARLEY: Damn right she did. Mom was no June Cleaver in her younger days, but she made up for it later. So ... are we ready to go? >BUZZ: Almost. (Yelling): Hey, you guys, get out here! > >The kitchen door swings open, and UNCLE STAVROS and HAWK enter, wearing suits. > >STAVROS: Damn it, Hawk, I told you to lay off of them gyros. >HAWK: I was hungry. What do you put in them things, anyways? Horse meat? >STAVROS: Horse meat! In my gyros? Why, you-- >HAWK (putting an arm around REVA's shoulders): You look mighty pretty, Sister. Mighty pretty for such a sad day. See? I got my best Sunday-go-to-meeting suit on, just like you told me to. >BUZZ: Okay. That's it. All present and accounted for. Let's go give Deenie a proper Cooper sendoff. >FRANK: Eleni says Mom knows how much we miss her. >HARLEY: Hell with that. Mom wouldn't give a hoot about us kneeling around her grave and praying over her. But she's gonna love the part afterwards, when we throw open the diner and feed half the neighborhood and dance in the streets. >A-M: That's a good epitaph, Frank--we'll always miss her. >HAWK: There's folks you miss and folks you're glad to see the back of. And Nadine sure as hell was the kind you miss. > >12. INT. WSPR - DAY > >DINAH is standing beside a bank of monitors in the studio, talking to LOLA. > >DINAH: Am I missing something? What exactly is it that you do? >LOLA: I've been a bartender and a waitress and-- >DINAH: In the media, dear. What's your media experience? >LOLA: Well, I, um, I'm a writer. I've been a writer. I had a column for six months in _The Springfield Pennysaver_. "Tittle-Tattle From Lola." Who went where on vacation, whose kids had a dance recital. I could bring you my clippings. >DINAH: That won't be necessary, Ms., er, um-- >LOLA: Fontaine. >DINAH: Because you can't just walk in off the street and start working in television. >LOLA: I could be an intern. I don't mind starting at the bottom. >DINAH: We have all our interns for summer. They're mostly college kids. High school kids, even, and, excuse me saying so, but you're a bit long in the tooth for an intern. Besides, interns don't get paid. >LOLA: I could be a gofer then. I'd do anything you say. >DINAH: Tell you what, dear. Why don't you leave your number with the receptionist? I'll let you know if anything opens up. And don't call us. We'll call you. > >CAMERA FOLLOWS DINAH as she walks away from a dejected LOLA and enters the General Manager's office, where she finds LEO sitting behind her desk. > >DINAH: Well, if it isn't my husband's own personal lackey. Get out of my chair. >LEO: It's Roger's chair now, Miss Missy. (Pushes a bunch of legal papers toward her.) Read 'em and weep. >DINAH (shuffling quickly through the pages): So? So he's co-owner. That doesn't mean he can just waltz in here and take my job. >LEO: These say he can. >DINAH: Not after my father gets through with him. You and Roger ripped me off, and we're going to prove it. >LEO: I wouldn't count on Ross if I were you. I hear he's a high muckety-muck at Lewis Oil these days. Won't be able to squeeze in any pro-bono clients. >DINAH: I'm not a client. I'm his daughter. He'll make you and Roger sorry you ever messed with me. Where is the Prince of Darkness, anyway? It's not like him to miss a prime gloating opportunity. >LEO: Roger doesn't have time for you, Dinah. He's with his family now. > >13. INT. REGENCY PENTHOUSE A - NIGHT > >CAMERA OPENS on the door to the penthouse. The MYSTERY MAN is standing with his back to us and his ear to the door as WE HEAR the elevator doors open. > >ROGER (off): How was that for a birthday outing? > >The MYSTERY MAN hurries off down the corridor out of sight. ROGER comes into the frame, with BLAKE beside him. They are followed by LAURA, pushing HART in his chair. All except HART are dressed for a day at the beach and carry various hampers and beach blankets and coolers. > >BLAKE: Definitely in the Top Ten. Except for the part where the jellyfish bit me. >ROGER: I just wish your grandfather could have joined us. I asked him, but he had other fish to fry. >BLAKE: I'll call him later. I've been trying to recall, Dad. Did you ever take me to the circus when I was little? I seem to remember a clown-- >ROGER (turning the key in the door): That was something else, Chrissy. Something I did when I was young and foolish. > >REVERSE ANGLE as they enter the living room. > >ROGER (to HART): How's it going, son? Need to use the bathroom? >HART: (shakes his head). >BLAKE (rubbing her skin under her T-shirt): Well, I do. I've got sand all down my clothes. Those showers at the lake were too disgusting to use. (Exits.) >LAURA (pouring two glasses of brandy): Is she ever going to speak to me directly? >ROGER (sitting next to HART with a hand on his hand): You know how it is with daughters. >LAURA: No I don't. How is it with daughters? >ROGER: No matter how many times I get married or Holly does, in the back of her mind Chrissy still believes we'll eventually get together again. I think she might survive if Holly ever got back with St. Ed, but she can't stand the thought of me with anyone but Holly. >LAURA (giving Roger a knowing smile): Then she's in for a rude awakening. > >She hands him a glass and sits in an armchair on HART's other side. As she speaks, she strokes HART's shoulder. > >LAURA: Blake's not a child any more. She's a grown woman who's already run through three husbands herself. >ROGER: I didn't say it was rational. That's just how it is ... Hart, I just want to say how great it was to be able to spend a whole day with you. I'm so happy we decided to let bygones be bygones. When all's said and done, you didn't do anything I haven't done a time or two. I even pulled that blood bag trick myself once, when Alan was after Chrissy. Got him sent to the slammer with it. >HART: (listens intently). >ROGER: So anyway, I'm going back to WSPR tomorrow. Thought you might like to know that Leo and I plan to give Dinah a run for her money. (Laughs.) >HART: (gives a wisp of a smile). >LAURA: Do you think that's wise, Roger? Do you really need the aggravation? It's not as though you didn't have another offer on the table. A much better offer, if you ask me. >ROGER: I'm mulling it over. It would certainly upset a lot of apple carts. >LAURA: And then some! Listen, I think-- >BLAKE (off): Laura, you do know colored toilet paper isn't biodegradable, don't you? >LAURA (signaling Roger to drop the subject of jobs): Isn't it? Where I come from, I was lucky to have newspaper. >BLAKE (reentering): Yes, and where is that, exactly? >LAURA: Countries whose names you can't pronounce. >BLAKE: Try me. >LAURA: Some other time, Blake. Didn't you say you had a big day tomorrow? > >14. EXT. GATES OF DAWN REALTORS - DAY > >WE SEE a storefront office at a Fifth Street intersection, with a sign that reads "Gates of Dawn Realtors." > >15 INT. GATES OF DAWN REALTORS - DAY > >SUSAN PIPER, seated behind a modernistic white desk, is talking on the phone. ALEX is pacing the floor of the small office, occasionally snatching up a brochure and just as quickly flinging it down again. > >SUSAN: I see. For sure? You're positive? ... Hallelujah! I want you to fax me that paper right away. (Hangs up.) We're in, Alex. It's official. I mean, it's official that it's not official. >ALEX: No doubt about it? >SUSAN: Not a one. (Fits a cigarette into her holder.) >ALEX: I don't like doing it this way. I'd rather go at it the other way. I spent the night before last reading back copies of _The Journal_. Sonni Carrera has plenty of skeletons in her closet, believe you me. Why, she actually shot him once. Alan, that is. Down in Venezuela. Of course he claims it was all a-- >SUSAN (blowing smoke): Alex! We agreed. If we go at Sonni head-on, that might could bring the Carrera family into the fray, and we don't want to tangle with them. >ALEX: Yes, but I-- > >WE HEAR the bell over the door ring as HOLLY and BLAKE enter. > >HOLLY: Alexandra! You're the last person I expected to see. >BLAKE: Not putting the Spaulding Mansion on the block, are you? >ALEX: No, Blake. You forget. The Spauldings do have extensive real estate holdings. >BLAKE: Not as extensive as they once were, not around here. >ALEX (ignoring her, kisses Holly on both cheeks): How are you holding up? >HOLLY: Better now. >ALEX: I kept wanting to call you and ask you to lunch, but I didn't want to push myself on you. >HOLLY: Lunch sounds great. How about the Springfield Inn, next week some time? > >SOUND of the fax machine pinging. SUSAN snatches up a sheet of paper as soon as it comes through. > >SUSAN (offering the paper to Alex): Here we go, Ms. Spaulding. I do believe that concludes our business. Now--how may I help you ladies? >HOLLY: I'm looking for a townhouse in-- >BLAKE: Hold that thought, Mom. Got to call the office. Tell Fletcher I'm gonna be late. > >At the mention of Fletcher, SUSAN shoots a look at ALEX, who shrugs. > >BLAKE: May I use your phone, Ms. ... ? >SUSAN: Hornblower. Why sure. (Rises.) Let me walk you to the door, Ms. Spaulding. > >While BLAKE stands beside the desk and punches in a number, HOLLY leafs through a brochure. ANGLE ON ALEX and SUSAN, by the door. > >SUSAN (whispering): You said you were going to get rid of him. >ALEX (also whispering): I tried. He wouldn't budge. >SUSAN: There's not a soul in Springfield who would recognize me except Fletcher Reade, and his office is right around the corner from this dump. You better work on him some more. >ALEX: I can't now. You know that. (Wags the sheet of fax paper at her.) >SUSAN: Oh yes. Big doings at the Palace of the Borgias. As soon as you can, then. >ALEX: But-- >SUSAN: Unless you want all our plans to be ruined. > >Looking anxious, ALEX exits. SUSAN turns to HOLLY. > >SUSAN: You're looking for a townhouse ... >HOLLY: Out in the suburbs. Someplace quiet. With a small garden but not a big lawn. >BLAKE (hanging up): Not too quiet. You're not ready for the retirement home yet. >SUSAN: Do good schools matter? >HOLLY: I ... No. I don't have ... I mean-- >BLAKE: My mother means she wants somewhere nice for her and my grandmother to live. A family neighborhood. >SUSAN: I see. And you, Ms. ... ? >BLAKE: Thorpe. Blake Thorpe. >SUSAN (taken aback): I see. >BLAKE: Before you ask, yes, he's my father. I know he has a way of making headlines, but let's not get into that. And, no, I don't need a place myself. I just took a little apartment down the street from here, to be close to my job. That's how I knew about this office, because I pass it every day. You haven't been open for long, have you? >SUSAN: Just under a month, but don't worry. I-- > >WE HEAR the bell again. HARLEY and ALAN-MICHAEL enter. > >SUSAN: I have a great deal of experience in real estate. >A-M: That's good to hear. Hi, Blake. Forged any bad checks lately? (To Susan): I'd think twice about accepting anything but cash from this one. >HOLLY: Alan-Michael! That's uncalled for. You know Blake is still getting over-- >BLAKE: Escaping from that tank of piranha fish they call the Spaulding Mansion. (To HARLEY, trying hard to be pleasant): Hello, Harley. I heard you were back. You look ... the same. >HARLEY (taking a similar tone): You too, Blake. Except ... your hair is curlier than I remembered. That's enough chitchat. (Extending her hand to Susan): I'm Harley Cooper. My friend and I have been checking all the real estate offices in town to see if they've had dealings with a man named Zachary. No last name, but how many Zacharys can there be? You're not in the Yellow Pages, but we happened to notice your place when we drove by here yesterday on our way to ... Never mind. Can you check on your Zacharys for us? >SUSAN: Well, sure I could, but I was right in the middle of helping-- >BLAKE: Don't mind us. Spauldings always come first. >SUSAN: I don't have to check, not really. As I was telling these ladies, I haven't been open long. I can't say as I remember a single Zachary. And it's not a name you'd forget. >HARLEY: But could you just-- >A-M (checking his watch): Sorry, Harley, I have to get to the office. >HARLEY: Oh yeah. Off to swim with the piranhas. >A-M (sighing): I'm not looking forward to it. > >16. INT. SPAULDING ENTERPRISES BOARDROOM - DAY > >PHILLIP is arranging papers at the head of the table. GILLY is passing out folders, putting one at every place. > >GILLY: Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. That's all of them. If they all come. >PHILLIP: Oh they'll all be here, you better believe it. There's not a single board member would miss this dog-and-pony show. Too bad I can't promise them the same kind of excitement they had at Alan-Michael's last shindig. Unless you can arrange for robbers with machine pistols to burst in here. >GILLY: Sorry. We're fresh out of Uzis in P.R. >PHILLIP: Don't worry. Like the song says, this family has guns no one can see. We-- > >The door bangs open, and GINGER enters backwards, balancing a couple of trays of hors d'oeuvres. DONNA follows with more trays, which they proceed to lay out on the table. > >PHILLIP: What's all this? Gilly, did you order-- >GINGER: Good morning, Master Phillip. It's the Mistress. She-- >DONNA: It's afternoon, silly. Good afternoon, Master Phillip. The Mistress ... I mean Miss Alex had us make up some of them nasty fish eggs-- >GINGER: And that salmon that costs a arm and a leg-- >DONNA: And all kinds of other horse doovers for the bigwigs-- >GINGER: 'Cause the Mistress ... Miss Alex says they wouldn't show up-- >DONNA: If it wasn't for the chow. >ALAN (off): Well well, son. > >PHILLIP turns toward the door, where ALAN is standing with SONNI on his arm. > >ALAN: Trying to curry favor with the board? >PHILLIP: Don't look at me, Dad. This is all Aunt Alex's doing. >ALAN: For a woman who couldn't heat a can of soup if her life depended on it, she does take a great interest in the inner man. (Leaves Sonni and crosses over to sneak a look at Phillip's papers.) Counting heads, are we? >PHILLIP (gathering the papers into a stack and turning them face down): You know the old saying--don't count your heads before they're hacked off. >SONNI: (laughs). >PHILLIP: I got a million of them, but I'm afraid this event is for members only. >ALAN (taking her arm again): Miss Carrera and I are engaged. >PHILLIP: Oh really? Congratulations to you, Dad, and condolences to you, Sonni. But it's still no fiancees allowed. >ALAN: You have your ... your ... What are they calling it these days, Gilly? >GILLY: Vice president in charge of public relations. >AMANDA (off): And private relations, too, the way I hear it. > >ANGLE ON AMANDA in the doorway. Her shoulder pads are wide enough to land a jet plane on. > >GILLY: I thought private relations were your specialty, Amanda. >AMANDA: I was an entrepreneur. According to my sources, you were selling it retail. > >An angry PHILLIP takes a step toward his sister, but ALAN stops him with a hand on his arm. > >ALAN: Now now, son. Let's safe the fisticuffs for the board meeting, shall we? Amanda, I'm surprised to see you here. I thought you passed on the chance to be a part of the family business. >AMANDA: Somebody has to vote your shares, Father. >ALAN: (looks shocked). >AMANDA: And you'll be even more surprised when you see my partner. (Steps aside to reveal ALAN-MICHAEL.) > >PHILLIP: What the hell is he doing here? >ALAN (speaking on top of him): I'm glad to see you, son. >A-M (walking around the table and studying the place cards): What, no place for the Prodigal Son at your table? Or are you the Prodigal Son, and am I the rightful heir? I always forget how that goes. What's the difference? We'll make it like the Mad Hatter's tea party. (Rips up a place card and tosses it away.) Move down! Move down! >ALEX (off): What are you shouting about now, dear? > >ANGLE ON ALEX in the doorway, dressed to kill. The others talk on top of one another: > >A-M: Whose side are you on, Aunt Alex? >GILLY: There aren't enough chairs. Or enough folders. >ALAN: Sister dear, please explain to Amanda that she's not on the board. >GINGER: Them fish eggs smell off to me, Mistress. >PHILLIP: My brother doesn't seem to realize we voted him out, Aunt Alex. >DONNA: So does the salmon. >SONNI: Lovely to see you again, Alexandra. >AMANDA: I think I'll have just one teeny little cracker, with a teeny little bit of cream cheese on it. And some lox. > >ALEX crosses to the head of the table, takes off one of her high heels, and raps for attention. > >ALEX: Will you all please pipe down? Before we let in the rest of the board members, I have an important announcement that concerns the family. >ALAN: I don't think this is quite the time for-- >ALEX: Put a sock in it, Alan, and listen to me. What I have to say could change all of our lives forever. > >Helter-skelter, they disperse, taking chairs at random. GINGER and DONNA are both relieved to take a load off. > >ALEX: Now then. A week or so ago, I received an amazing communication from my lawyers. Not the company lawyers, not the family lawyers, my personal lawyers. At first I could hardly believe it, so I went to great lengths to check out their information. And this morning I received confirmation. (She removes the sheet of fax paper from her purse.) There's no doubt about it. And so, my dear family, you can dump all your cash and your shares in the middle of the table. It's all just so much Monopoly money now. Someone has bungled, and we have to go back and redeal. >ALAN: Bungled what, Alex? >PHILLIP: No doubt about what? >ALEX (with a triumphant smile): No doubt that my divorce papers were misfiled, and that I am still married to-- (Makes a gesture toward the door.) > >ANGLE ON the doorway, as ROGER steps forward. > >ALEX (off): My once and future husband, Roger Thorpe. >ROGER (grinning broadly): I'm baaaaack! > >17. INT. MARTY KINDER MEMORIAL CLINIC - DAY > >A private room in the clinic, rather Spartan. MRS. POPOV is propped up on pillows in a hospital bed with bars on the sides. REV. SMITH sits beside the bed. He is patting her hand. > >REV. SMITH: There, there, Mrs. Popov. You'll be back to your old self in no time. >MRS. POPOV: But I did see him, Father. Why won't anybody believe me? I did see the Archangel Zachary. I saw him the first time on the Fifth Street Pier, when he gave me that suitcase full of money. And I saw him again last night, in this very clinic. I was in the chapel praying my daughter would have a change of heart and get me out of here, and all of a sudden *he* came in. And he saw me, I know he did, but he left quick as anything. I tried to follow, but I'm not as spry as I once was. You believe me, don't you, Father? >REV SMITH: I'm not a Father. I'm a Reverend. And I'm sure you believe every word that you say, but-- >LAURA (off): Reverend Smith? > >He turns toward the door. LAURA is standing in the hallway just outside. > >LAURA: Could I have a word with you? Just take a minute. >REV. SMITH: Does it have to be now? I'm having a session with-- >LAURA: Please. It's important. >REV. SMITH: You sit tight, Mrs. Popov. I'll be back soon. > >CAMERA FOLLOWS him into the hallway. LAURA shuts the door. > >LAURA: What are you wasting time on her for? She's nutty as a fruitcake. You should be with Holly. >REV. SMITH: She's out house hunting. >LAURA: I know that. Her daughter told me she would be last night. We don't want Holly leaving home, "Reverend." We don't want her rolling around like a loose cannon. We want her to get back with Fletcher or-- >REV. SMITH: Oh no we don't. Fletcher Reade is a rat. He hurt Holly. He's not good enough for her. >LAURA: Look, I don't care if she runs off with the dog-faced boy, just as long as she doesn't go after Roger. I've done what I can on my end. I've fixed it so Roger can't get back with Holly. Now you hold up your end. Get Holly out of circulation. > >SOUND of high heels clicking along the corridor. LAURA and REV. SMITH clam up and look that way. We see BLAKE coming toward them. > >BLAKE: What was that about Holly? >LAURA: No. I said Harley. I was telling the Reverend Smith that there's a woman named Harley running all over town looking for the so-called Archangel Zachary. She's as anxious to find him as Reverend Smith is. The Reverend is counseling Mrs. Popov, aren't you, Smithy? >BLAKE: Mrs. Popov. That's who I came to see. I'm doing a piece for _The Journal_, trying to follow the money on the Fifth Street deal. >LAURA (gesturing toward the door): She's right in here. The Reverend Smith will take you to her. >BLAKE: What are you doing here, anyway? Revisiting the scene of the Great Escape? >LAURA: It wasn't all that dramatic. I just whomped up a notice on the letterhead of Roger's insurance company, saying they'd canceled his health insurance. This snake pit couldn't get rid of him fast enough. >BLAKE: But you did go over the wall with Sonni, didn't you? >LAURA: Your father and I did. All in a day's work. (Starts off.) Have a nice chat with Mrs. Popov. > >CAMERA FOLLOWS LAURA down the hall and around the corner. Halfway along the second hallway, she comes to the chapel door and peeps in. REVERSE ANGLE showing SUSAN PIPER and ZACHARY having a tete-a-tete in the front pew. ANGLE ON LAURA, who rolls her eyes and shuts the door in our faces. CAMERA SWINGS AROUND and MOVES down the center aisle toward SUSAN and ZACHARY. > >SUSAN: There was a little slip of thing named Harley came looking for you today. >ZACHARY: What did you tell her? >SUSAN: Not one single word. Can I smoke in here? >ZACHARY: It's a hospital, Susie, a hospital *chapel*. >SUSAN: I can see that. (Strikes a match and lights up.) They think you're an angel. It's all I can do not to laugh in their faces. >ZACHARY: It *is* funny. As long as I live-- >SUSAN: And we do know how long that is. >ZACHARY: I'll never get used to the way mortals judge by appearances. I'm beautiful, so I must be an angel. >SUSAN: I certainly thought you were one, the day you pulled me out of that lava pit. It was awhile before I realized why it was you could walk through fire. As for me, well, it should be plain as plain can be. Anybody who's been through a real estate closing knows what hell on earth is ... How's the grand plan coming? >ZACHARY: I sent my handmaiden-- >SUSAN: Your executive assistant. You have to watch those anachronisms. >ZACHARY: My executive assistant, Lola, all over Springfield yesterday, trying to place her somewhere she could do us some good. But she couldn't get a nibble. >SUSAN: And they say unemployment is down. Damn it to hell! My cigarette's gone out, and I'm out of matches. Can you give me a light? > >CLOSE-UP of ZACHARY, whose eyes glitter fiendishly. > >18. EXT. KINDER CLINIC - DAY > >The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and LAURA is striding across the green lawn toward a tool shed. As she approaches it, she whistles. An answering whistle. REVERSE ANGLE shows a man's arm, with a gold Rolex on his wrist and his hand resting on a corner of the tool shed. > >LAURA: That you, Malloy? > >MALLOY steps out from behind the tool shed, and for the first time we see the face of our mystery man [played by Lane Davies]. > >LAURA: Welcome to Flip City. You wouldn't believe the loonies they've got in this bin. They've got a serial killer they pronounced cured, who dyed his hair and goes around calling himself the Reverend Smith and counseling clients in the very same nuthouse where he used to be a patient. They've got a woman who believes she can talk to the angels, and another woman who thinks she sold her soul to the devil. To top it all off, they've got a pink boy who thinks he's Satan Incarnate. And the two of *them* are outpatients. What a world! How's by you, Malloy? >MALLOY: I managed to scrape up an acquaintance with Holly a couple of nights ago. You didn't tell me she was such a dish. And I nearly got caught by your SO when I dropped by the penthouse to see you. >LAURA; This town is just too damn small. I was on my way to meet you when I ran smack into Roger's daughter, who wonders what I'm doing here. What a Nosey Parker she is! >MALLOY: Want me to take care of her? >LAURA: Nah. She's small potatoes. I can handle Blake. Holly is still the number one problem. I want you to take her out. >MALLOY: The outfit won't like that. >LAURA: The outfit owes me. >MALLOY: You owe us. You'd still be rotting in that Cuban prison if it wasn't for our connections. I should have said, the Chief won't like it. You want to explain to Mr. Lindsey why I whacked his ex-wife? > >FADE OUT > > > "Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out." Linda Bowles